Books

Reporting in on 50 Acts of Kindness for my 50th Birthday

Back in April I made a goal to perform 50 acts of kindness in celebration of my 50th birthday. Along the way, I changed a few of the items on the original list. Here are the things I did, and any comments/impressions/things I learned from those acts:

Participate in the Neighborhood Spring Clean … this was a lot of fun actually. My wife and son came along and there were enough neighbors participating that we made minutes work of the largest piles of yard debris.
Buy a gift card for the next person in line at the checkout … I have to admit, this one was uncomfortable.
Make a homemade treat for someone … easy, I love to bake.
Post a 5-star review for a small local business you’ve visited … an easy task for a business that deserved it.
Make a basket with treats/snacks for the office staff and teachers at school … this was fun to put together.
Write a positive review for a book you like … also easy, authors need all the help they can get.
Celebrate someone awesome on social media … it was nice to point out someone I think is pretty great.
Feed the ducks at the pond … as it was Spring, the ducks weren’t all that interested in our bread. Oh well.
Leave “You Rock” rocks on doorsteps … we noticed that some of these stayed on the doorsteps we left them on for a long time. Next time I will not use a sharpie (they fade in the sun), but paint pens.
Surprise someone with homemade bread … I hope they liked it (no comment).
Let someone go in front of you in line … this was uncomfortable, but I finally found someone who looked like they needed to get going.
Help my son with his story stand … we did it! He earned some ‘adventure fund’ money.
Donate to the thrift store … we have so much stuff just sitting around gathering dust that this hardly feels like service.
Host a campfire sing-along … did it. I’d hoped more people would come, but we had a few.
Arrange a hymn tune and post as a freebie on UkulelePlay.com … got it done.
Take Grandma on a picnic for the fourth of July … yes, and she really did seem to enjoy getting out into the canyon, even if her mobility makes me worry she’s going to trip and break something … she had my arm all the way to the picnic table though.
Plant lavender in the garden for Grandma … this took me a lot longer than I planned, but I finally found some lavender on clearance and was able to buy a bunch of plants.
Donate flowers at the care center … dropped off.
Help my son with his plant stand … yep, more money for his ‘adventure fund.’
Give a free performance for the elderly … did this with my wife and son, including our little play of Daniel in the Lion’s Den. The elders at the two care centers seemed to enjoy it.
Leave funny cards with handwritten jokes at a care center … combined this with the above performance.
Donate craft packs for the elderly at a care center … ditto.
Donate fun books to a care center … ditto ditto.
Leave a flowering plant and mysterious card on someone’s doorstep you don’t know … accomplished.
Pickup trash in your neighborhood … simple as taking a walk.
Pickup trash at the park … we really had to look to find trash at the park in our neighborhood, but we did find a few scraps.
Buy a flower for the cashier at the grocery store … I got her a gift card instead of a flower, but her face really lit up when we gave it to her (you could tell it was a rough day).
Pickup trash on a trail … again, we really had to look, but in the end we found some and it has made us more aware on subsequent hikes.
Send ‘good’ chocolate to a teacher … our son had a great teacher this year, so this was a fun one to do.
Spread Kindness Bingo Cards … did it.
Leave a single flower on a stranger’s car in the parking lot … done.
Donate to the food pantry … easy to pick some things out of storage and drop them off.
Make giveaway bags for the homeless and store in car to give out … done.
Tape microwave popcorn packets on Red Box … fun.
Give a neighbor a garden plant you started … an investment in time, but we were already growing plants for our garden and my son’s plant stand, so this was also easy.
Hide a gift card in a book at the library … I found this one to be amusing and spoke to my inner clown as we put it in a book on home economics.
Spread a roll of lucky pennies through the parking lot … I’ve never been one to throw money about, so this was pretty fun and my son got a big kick out of helping.
Leave a snack pack for the mail carrier … done.
Fill a bird feeder … done.
Leave bubbles at the park on the benches marked ‘for you’ … another fun one.
Make a kindness bingo sheet game to share on ElfAlliance.com … done.
Post a free hymn arrangement on Choirworks.com … Brother James Air.
Take a care basket to the fire station … done.
Take a care basket to the police station … done
Leave your server a big tip … honestly, things have been tight, so this one hurt more than felt good, but mission accomplished.
Read a book on kindness and share notes … The Rabbit Effect.
Read a book on service and share notes … Human Kind.
Teach a free Christmas carol class … taught carols for three weeks in July.
Organize a free Christmas in July event … it happened.
Perform at another assisted living … we did it.

So, what did I learn from all this activity over the last three months?

Big goals can be stressful, but I’m glad I followed through (with my family). Some of the time-consuming activities didn’t necessarily bring greater rewards for us or those we tried to serve (only 23 people came to the Christmas in July event we put on for free, but took dozens of hours to prep for – don’t feel bad about it, but I’m not ecstatic over it either).
If your budget is tight, service with a high price tag can be really stressful. I didn’t know how much flowers were going to cost when I adopted those items on my list, so I’d suggest being aware of how much a goal is going to cost before committing to it.
Dropping things off anonymously can be great or can feel hollow depending on your attitude at the moment. Hopefully all those things boosted someone else’s day, regardless.
Surprising people in person where you can see their reaction gives quite the boost, not only to you, but to the person you’re doing something for. While some service is better done anonymously, don’t underestimate the effect a kind face and warm greeting can do for someone.
I think giving anonymously is best when you know the person really needs help or a lift and you don’t want them to feel beholden.

Biggest takeaway? ‘Random’ acts of kindness are less-fulfilling all-around than ‘intentional’ acts of kindness. Serving in well-thought-out ways that leverage your greatest strengths are going to have greater impact for those being served and bring you more joy as the one giving service. But, it doesn’t hurt to keep your eyes open and be kind when the opportunity arises.

Human Kind, a Book Worth Reading

I just finished Human Kind: Changing the World One Small Act At a Time by Brad Aronson. It was both inspiring and heart-wrenching. Inspiring to read dozens of stories about people recognizing a need in the world and then stepping up to fill it. Heart-wrenching because I recognize I’m one person with limited resources, there is so much good to be done, and I wish I could do so much more. Nevertheless, it got me thinking about some things that I can do, and for that I’m really grateful to have read it.

While the book starts with Aronson’s personal story of how people stepped up to help them when his partner and wife Mia is diagnosed with Leukemia, the book goes abroad from their personal story to dive in-depth to the stories of many others who have started non-profits, been mentors and given those in need a reason to celebrate. He likens the work of these marvelous souls to “the Japanese tradition of filling cracks in pottery with gold, which produces something that’s more beautiful than it was before it cracked.”

At the end of each chapter, Aronson gives the audience some ideas of What We Can Do. Some of the ideas are specific and others are more broad.

Do something small
Do something specific
Go all out
Schedule reminders to yourself
Keep an eye out in your community / Be aware
Think like Santa
Smile and wave (ex. at pedestrians that need to cross in front of you instead of giving a cursory flick to hurry up)
Be sensitive to people’s limitations

Aronson says, “The little things are the big things. When we realize this, we also realize that there are infinite ways to help others.” Ex. One woman began mending clothes for homeless people. Then she got the seamstresses at her church involved and they mend a dozen pieces of clothing/backpacks every week. One recipient of this kindness said, “Everyone appreciates them. They are amazing, great seamstresses, and they care. It’s so nice to be recognized and treated like a person.”

Learn to listen better
Acknowledge people
Share the positive
Invest in people
Be present
Consider your greetings (instead of “How are you?” try “It’s great to see you!”)
Pause and listen
Engage people in an activity
Be yourself

“We can express love, brighten a day and transform lives.” One simple example of this he gives the You Matter Marathon, where you can sign up for 30 free “You Matter” cards to hand out to people (the story behind this project is covered in detail in the book).

If you have something nice to say, say it
Share your stories
Write to people you don’t know
Don’t forget to say ‘yes’ to yourself
Figure out what you can offer
Create opportunities
Make it seem easy
Help others say ‘yes’ (“Can I come see you?” instead of “Can I come help?”)
Show up
Be enthusiastic
Believe the best
Embrace people’s intentions
Add ‘yet’ to your vocabulary
See the positive

“Celebrating is a choice, and sometimes asking, ‘Why not? is all it takes to create a celebration.” He shares the story of how important it was for one girl to have her birthday celebrated while in a Youth Study Center (Juvenile Hall). “Without the birthday party, I would have either been in prison, dead or strung out.” Instead, she went on to become a social worker and provide that love to other kids in the system. Another story involves a neighborhood who shifted Halloween so one child could celebrate who was going in for brain surgery that could not be postponed.

Celebrate every day
Start a new holiday
Celebrate to raise funds
Help a stranger to celebrate
Have fun, even in tough times

Each of these bullet points includes specific ideas in the book for implementing these thoughts. In the end, he encourages us to ‘start small’ … ‘start with one person.’

The book includes an appendix ‘Hall of Fame’ for high-impact volunteer opportunities that you can also visit with up-to-date links on his website.

by The Santa Books Elf Alliance Service

The Rabbit Effect : Kindness Counts

A talk I was reading a while back, Hearts Knit Together by Gary E. Stevenson, prominently featured a story about a group of laboratory rabbits that were being used in a study to test the effects of a high fat diet on heart health. The study had produced some anomalous results. Most of the high fat diet eating rabbits developed heart problems, but some didn’t. When they investigated more fully, all these odds-defying rabbits were found to be under the care of the same postdoc who had recently joined the research team, Murina Levesque. While the rabbits in her care got the same unhealthy food as the rest of the bunnies, she also gave them affectionate cuddles, petting and soothing words that the other animals in the study did not get. It seemed that love made all the difference these rabbits.

I traced the story back to The Rabbit Effect by Kelli Harding, MD, which talks at length about the rabbit heart health study performed by Dr. Robert Nerem in the 1970s. The subtitle of the book, “Live Longer, Happier and Healthier with the Groundbreaking Science of Kindness” inspired an impulse purchase and I’ve spent the last bit reading through the book with highlighter in hand. Here are some of my notes.

“We’ve learned to fly the air like birds. We’ve learned to swim the seas like fish. And yet, we haven’t learned to walk the Earth as brothers and sisters.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
“Take a rabbit with an unhealthy lifestyle. Talk to it. Hold it. Give it affection. And many adverse effects of diet disappear. The relationship made a difference.”
“There’s a social dimension to health that we’ve completely overlooked …” Hidden factors including love, friendship, dignity, purpose and even the designs of our cities, neighborhoods, schools and workplaces have a measurable effect on our health.
Biopsychosocial model: “… a person’s health occurs in a social context that can’t be ignored.” What begins on the molecular level works its way through the organelle, cell, tissue, organs, nervous system, person and continues onward to two person relationships, family, community, culture, society and biosphere. Likewise, the reverse is true, our world, nation, community, family and personal relationships effect our bodies.
“… the vast majority, 80 to 90 percent, of people’s health depends on factors outside of clinical care … the biggest contributor to health outcomes by far and powerful social, political, and environmental conditions.”
“If you want to change the world, go home and love your family.” ~ Mother Teresa
Epigenetics: Our genes can be influenced in their expression by outside forces. There is an amazing flexibility in life. “Methylation alters the cells narrative without changing the genetic code. Instead, it twists and turns the DNA story into a new, sometimes better or sometimes worst plot line.”
Epigenetic research reveals that experience can be embedded in the genome and passed on to descendants. This can mean life or death to future generations.
“Love or a famine or an ice storm doesn’t directly change a child’s DNA sequence, but epigenetic modifications allow for flexibility in adapting to an ever-changing world.”
“… one key predictor or a successful, healthy, happy life: good relationships.”
“Oxytocin is known as the ‘love hormone’ because it’s involved in bonding, empathy, and trust. It is released at childbirth and during breastfeeding, as well as when we hug, kiss, and snuggle.”
“Oxytocin helps us feel calm, appreciated, and even sing more.”
“… touch is vital for every living creature throughout life.”
“Holding hands lowers blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol.”
People who get daily hugs were found to have a 32 percent less chance of getting sick when exposed to a cold virus, and huggers who did get sick had less severe symptoms and got better faster.
The ideal hug length is somewhere between “six and twenty seconds.”
“Your child will grow up to be a different person if you pay attention and lock eyes with them more. And if you don’t, you may be unconsciously reshaping their genetic scripts in ways that will affect your grandchildren and great-grandchildren. Suddenly it seems that email can wait.”
“Our intimate, one-on-one bonds are the most important critical hidden factor in our health.”
“Genetics don’t determine our destiny; we do.”
‘Tool Kit’ tips for one-on-one relationships include expressing love to family through words, food, a helping hand, hugs, hand-holding, smooches, and snuggles. Cuddle while reading together or watching shows. Offer a pat on the back, shoulder squeeze or high five when other expressions are uncomfortable. Lock eyes with your loved ones (challenge children to staring contests or mimic each other’s silly faces). Play cards or board games with each other. Have family night. Share photos or videos you’ve taken. Lighten up / be silly / smell the roses. Make / schedule the time.
“… find activities that fill your heart with love so that you can share it with others … take time for yourself too.”
Neighborhood relationships can have an impact on your health as well. Research suggests that famous Okinawan longevity has as much to do with social ties as diet. Social meals, birthday celebrations, anniversaries, gatherings for a common purpose, laughing together, participating in pop bands, karate groups, taking care of one another … all have an effect. “… public health research suggests that it isn’t the diet but the community in which the meals occur that makes all the difference.”
Social isolation is a serious health threat. Prolonged loneliness is riskier to our health than “obesity, physical inactivity, high blood pressure, and bad cholesterol.” Obesity may increase our risk of early death by 30 percent, but loneliness increases it by 50 percent.
“The data seems crystal clear: it’s time to take socializing as seriously as exercise, diet, and sleep. Study after study builds on a mounting pile of evidence that social support in our community is necessary for wellness. Laughter, warmth, respect, trust, caring and support are good for physical health.”
“Volunteering, visiting Great-Aunt Polly, attending book clubs, every bit of positive connection helps. Belly laughs with friends correlate with improved heart health, circulation, and decreased pain perception.”
“… seniors who participated in community activities, attended sporting events, went out to dinner with family or friends, or attended church had a 70 percent decreased risk of dementia.”
“Studies show that a loving pet reduces blood pressure, heart disease, and stress.”
‘Tool Kit’ tips for social ties: Prepare and eat food together. Invite a friend or family over. Host a potluck. Nurture your friendships, celebrate their important moments and let them know you’re ‘just’ thinking about them. Plant new seeds by taking a class, joining a club or finding an interest group. Talk to your neighbors. Host a potluck, walking group, board game night, planting, book/clothes swap. Consider adopting a pet. If you’re doing an activity anyway … invite someone to do it with you.

The book goes on to have chapters on work, education, neighborhood, fairness and compassion … wrapping up by discussing the mind-body connection, collective heath and creating ripples with kindness. At times I felt the book was wandering far from the description on the cover, but Dr. Harding ties it all back together in the final chapters. Great read. Highly recommended.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.” ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

by The Santa Books Family Happiness Health

The 13th Gift: A True Story of a Christmas Miracle

When I was young I had a cub scout leader that led our troop in performing service for the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas where we anonymously left a gift on a family’s doorstep for twelve days. It is a beloved memory that I have often thought back on, so I was excited to find a book that talks about this lovely way of offering Christmas cheer from the perspective of a family of receivers.

The 13th Gift: A True Story of a Christmas Miracle begins with a heart-wrenching situation in which a father has unexpectedly died and his family are celebrating their first Christmas without him. The mother is suffering from depression and is unwilling to engage with the holiday, but thanks to a warm-hearted daughter, a well-meaning sister, and a group of anonymous gift-givers, the family is able to pull out of a downward spiral and rekindle the love of family, friends and Christmas in their home. It isn’t until years later that they discover who their anonymous benefactors were and their larger tradition of doing this annually for someone who had had a rough year.

Without leaving too many spoilers, the first half of the book is not for the faint of heart. It was hard to read and my wife only finished the book after I continued on to the end and let her know that a transformation and miracle was actually coming (hey! it was promised in the title).

We’ve been using the ’12 days’ as a framework for celebrating Christmas in our family for some years, but this book makes me want to turn that outward and use it as a way to give cheer at Christmas in the way I was led to as a young cub scout all those years ago. It makes me wonder how many are out there doing anonymous service with this tradition. Maybe you’ll feel similarly inspired. 🙂